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My Inner Monsters

Monday, February 10, 2014

February 10, 2014

Hello Hello Hello!

Hello readers. If you have read my bio I had mentioned that I have crowd and normal anxiety. Now I also mentioned I would expand on this issue as well. I find this some what difficult to talk about. Only my parents and a few close friends know about this. So now I broadcasting it to the world. Okay. When I was younger I never experienced any of this. I was a very outgoing child and loved going to the mall or movies with my family. As I got older and became more aware of my surroundings things changed.

One day in the summer of 2012 my family and I were staying in a hotel when we were on vacation in San Diego. My mom and sister wanted t go out and see the city, I didn't. I am practically petrified of large cities, and if you have been to San Diego you know it isn't as large as some other cities. I could never be in New York City I would probably pass out. So anyways when I was asked if I wanted to go I said no. They tried to convince me but I just kept shaking my head and saying no. Eventually I couldn't take the "pressure" of having to go out. I broke down and started to shake and cry. Being that I was fifteen years old at the time I find this ridiculous now. Although when I was in that terrifying state it felt as if the whole world was ganging up on. Eventually my family gave up and stayed home. This made me even more upset because I had ruined their holiday.

From then on I had tried to make up excuses instead of just saying no. I would say I had homework, or my hip was sore. This brings up another experience. Disneyland. Now I hate crowds so a packed theme park is not ideal for someone like me. Another is rollercoasters. From the time I first went on it till the last time I went to Disneyland I HATED the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. When I first rode it my dad told me that there were no drops so I would go on it. When the first big drop came (the one in complete darkness) I was terrified I screamed so bad. I was about seven so I was definitely crying. I never went on this ride again. My family loves this ride so whenever we went to Disneyland someone always had to stay behind, this of course made me feel bad about ruining their vacation.

I have gotten better about Disneyland, I just prefer not to go. Now I am fine with Zoos, parks, waterparks, and outdoor shopping centers. I can't go into my mall without panicking, but I can go to the strip mall easily. This is the same for airports, movie theaters, and cities. Cities are outdoors of course but the amount of people and the noises I can't do it. I do love Santa Monica and Pasadena thought because they are very quaint and cheerful I guess. I can't stand LA. Las Vegas was okay because it's small and just more comfortable for me.

Whenever I go into a movie theater, my heart races and I can't calm down until the movie itself has started. I will be digging my finger nails into the arm rests until the film starts. Midnight Premiere? Forget about it. I can only go to a theater really early in the morning or right after school. Any other time you wont get me into the car.

Okay so airports. I have been to small open-air airports and I have been fine, but not some of the larger ones. Seattle Sea-Tac is a no! I can't stand that one. LA is worse. The Orlando one is okay. Colorado is a no. Size is a huge factor in my anxiety attacks. My mom and dad have talked to me about it but it is very difficult to handle.

The worst one: School. About three times a week I have minimal to major anxiety at school. I remember in December of 2012 when the Sandy Hook shooting happened there was a rumor of a shooter coming to my high school. Of course I didn't believe it, but that didn't matter, my body did. I went on full shut down. I could focus on my work for a whole week before winter break. I was shaking, hands sweaty, heart racing. My mom made me go to the counselor and I broke down crying in her office. Even after being reassured nothing was going to happen many times, nothing changed. I just wanted to crawl away and stay in bed for that week.

This is just the beginning of what is happening and I hope to be able to deal with it someday, but I am currently struggling with this. If you are dealing with this as well, I am sorry. It sucks, a lot. Take a deep breath and try to fight through and if you aren't ready try again tomorrow and the next day and the next. No pressure, no stress, just you and your mind.

- Haley

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