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I'm in a Rut

Thursday, May 26, 2016

May 26, 2016

Hello Hello Hello.

Let me tell you a story.

Almost five years ago I entered high school thinking it would be the best years of my life. I wanted to do well and go to a good college and get a good job. Then in Junior year I stopped taking the AP classes and started to not care anymore. Then come Senior year I was just trying to survive high school. I took all minimum level classes and took the minimum of academic courses. I danced 6 days a week and stopped caring about college.



Fast forward to present day. I work three days a week, I'm not in school, I don't hang out with friends, I live at home with my cat, and I feel like my life is going nowhere. In this past year I have been thinking a lot. I think about everything and sometimes I think too much. In this past week I have been sort of empty. Empty of motivation, emotions, strength, and thoughts. I haven't picked up a book in days and I don't know what's wrong with me. I think I am finding more about myself then I knew. I mean, I don't know what's wrong exactly, but that is what I've figured out.

As a child I always had the answers. I was a very bright child and still consider myself rather intelligent, but only when it comes to useless facts and quadratic equations. I can tell you the life story of every single Greek Olympian or when baseball was invented (summer of 1839), but when it comes to human emotions, especially my own, I suck!

I have no clue what to do with my life and yes I know I am only eighteen, but why should that matter? I mean everyone has a purpose in life, right? What's mine? Why is it that when I want to do something, my brain is just like nope! It's like both sides of my brain are constantly at war and no matter what I do it's like I am being pulled apart. So what do I do? Nothing. I sit at home and cry or eat food or binge watch BBC shows. In six days I turn 19 and I'm not even excited for my birthday, how sad is that? I thought birthdays became less exciting after forty...or was it fifty? I don't know.

So I'm in a rut. That is what I've figured out, a rut. How does one climb out of said rut? Back when humanity was new, when the only important thing was who has the biggest stick, nobody worried about being the next CEO or scientist. Now instead of worrying about who has the biggest stick it all about who widdled the best spear. I am so off topic...I think. It's 10:35 PM and everyone is sleeping in my house and I just thought to come on here and ramble.

Wait, I think I've got it. I'm afraid. That's it. I'm afraid of what to do next. For the past 18 years everything has been planned out for me and now I have the power to choose and I am stuck. What do I do? How do I figure out what I want? I want to write books...but that doesn't put me at the head of the tribe nor does it give me the biggest spear. Does that matter? Hell I'd be happy with a toothpick as long as I am loving what I am doing. Why am I still talking about sticks?????

Maybe I should get some sleep as I haven't gotten much of that lately...I watched both Sherlock Holmes movies, the Robert Downey Jr. ones last night at about one a.m. That's my accomplishment for the day. Well I am going to go do something...I don't know what...but something.

- Haley

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