Monday, April 3, 2017

Mindful Monday: Late Night / Early Morning Thoughts



April 3, 2017

“Words do not express thoughts very well. they always become a little different immediately they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish. And yet it also pleases me and seems right that what is of value and wisdom to one man seems nonsense to another.” ― Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

I've never actually read Siddhartha.

I was supposed to in my Sophomore year of high school, well during the summer before that is. It was assigned summer reading and I just had no interest in doing my homework I suppose. Although, I do enjoy this quote from the novel and it has made me a bit more interested in reading it...

It is 12:35 am on Monday April 3rd, 2017 and I cannot sleep. I thought to just watch another episode of some mindless Netflix show or even read another chapter of my current read, but writing won, as usual. I am listening to the song "Tonight I Feel Like Kafka" by Jealous of the Birds and I really like it even though I have never heard of the song or the band before... I am not sure what to say as I write this, but I just had the need to put hands to keyboard and jot down some thoughts. 

Today (or I suppose Yesterday) was an off day. I can always tell when a day is going to be "off" and as I opened my eyes yesterday morning to the sunshine shining through my window, I felt it. The everlasting dread of expectation. It has become a bit of a constant in my life these days. It sort of feels as if I am a giant oceanic mammal trapped in huge tank at a zoo, expected to perform tricks for other's amusement and happiness. When in reality, I am in a place I didn't choose and am constantly wondering why people are pressing their greasy faces against the pane of glass that seems to get thicker day by day. 

People think that just because you place a smile on your face, you are on this earth to bring them the same expression. That just because you are of a certain age, you will become a fully functioning member of society and abide by all social norms. Then again, what is considered normal? I have touched on this before and I still think the word normal is absolute bullshit. Why be normal when there are so many more things you can be? Why follow the rules when you can break them? These thoughts flow through the old brain box a few times a day and yet, here I am, a couch potato with no income or extended education, feeding solely on dreams. 

Can somebody make a supernatural movie like that? A vampire/zombie creature that feeds off the dreams of hopeless creative minds? It may already exist, but if not, there you go hopeless creative people, AN IDEA. Speaking of ideas, they haven't been arriving in my mind these days. I am not sure if it is because there isn't enough room with all the other vexations floating around or because I am just choosing not to think creative thoughts. Or perhaps it's both and I just haven't realized it... I don't know. Wow, this is definitely going in the Rambling section of this website.

Going back to the dolphin analogy (or was it a whale?), something I have always appreciated about the dolphin is their ability to communicate. Researchers say that their communicative abilities are beyond most species. I wonder why it is so difficult for human beings, at least some of the ones I surround myself with, to communicate. And I will include myself into this discussion because I suck at it, too. I swear, unless I am writing or speaking to someone of superior intellect, I hear the same phrases over and over and over... As people, we have a vast amount of languages and words within those languages at our disposal to create flowing conversations about our feelings, our thoughts, and yet...nothing. Look, there is only so many times I can say, "I'm fine" when someone asks how I am. 

I have also mentioned this before, but most of the time someone asks you how you are they really don't care... how sad it that? I know I am very socially awkward and shy and anxious and yes, even a little paranoid, but I want to converse. I want that thrill of getting lost in a topic about ANYTHING. There is just something so satisfying about expelling thoughts. That is why I love to write, the freedom of just articulating thoughts and feelings...it's beautiful. 

As the youngest in my family, I am used to getting ignored in family discussions, but as I get older I have started to notice something. I believe that since I never spoke up as a child, my family just thinks I am shy  (which I am, mind you) and don't care about voicing my own opinion, but they are wrong. Sure, with a bunch of strangers I tend to bite my tongue, but with my family? I could talk myself hoarse. Communication is key in many instances and even if you go on a complete tangent and just start spewing nonsense, it is still communication. I don't know how this turned into a post about the lack of communication...huh. I thought we were talking about whales (or was it dolphins)?

Anyways, here's to you Monday. I hope that when I see the sun shining through my window at dawn that I won't feel like a trained porpoise in an aquarium and those around me will realize that I won't be jumping through colored hoops to amuse them. I have my own shit to deal with and don't need their sticky hands all over my glass wall. These analogies sounded a lot more clever in my head. Again, it's 1:08 am...maybe not the best time for coherent thought, or perhaps the best. I did find a document with a few paragraphs of dialogue on it from 2:18 am from a few days ago and it was great! Well, great by my standards at least. 

I think I am going to use a picture of a dolphin (I didn't) for the cover of this post... I really need to get some sleep.

Some food for thought: Creative thoughts are like sandcastles. If you don't embrace their beauty in the moment, the next wave will come and all that will remain will be a muddled mess. 

Stay Mindful.

- Haley

1 comment

  1. I have read your posts for a while now and find it both perplexing and mildly amusing that someone with such an analytical mind such as yours equates with such a complex social being as a dolphin. Yet, you are unwilling to find out why you yourself are still stuck in that glass aquarium unable to leave its walls. I see nothing in your posts that you have sought any kind of relief from your suffering or even to ascertain why you are the way you are. I myself am not a very social being and that in itself is quite fine by me, but the world is a vast Ocean of possibility, wonder and opportunity Ms. Haley. Perhaps I shall be so bold as to suggest you approach it in a more scientific manner such as research on the subject of yourself. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain by allowing yourself to explore why you are the way you and that in turn may unlock your untouched potential. Do not be afraid to free your own mind and allow the Dolphin within to travel the Sea with others from distant pods. You may find wonders you never thought possible. From a friend who was once in that tiny aquarium. Be well tiny writer.

    ReplyDelete

© My Thoughts are a Blog. Design by FCD.